I say the universe got my attention when I hemorrhaged and it did but, in spite of the fact my doctors insisted I take 3 months off, I went back to work in one week. I’d been taken to my knees and I still WENT BACK TO WORK. We human beings have a powerful draw to what we know, even when it no longer serves us, if it ever did. I had a deep understanding my life was off track, my job was killing me and I still went back to work.
All my life I’d accomplished whatever I needed by strength of will but, now, no matter what I did, I wasn’t healing. The reality was my old ways of being had died on March 8th, but I was still fiercely holding on because I didn’t have any idea of what was being birthed, or even that something was. I felt lost and confused. I wanted my old life back!
One day my assistant, Piper, came into my office and found me crying, something that just never happened. She knelt down and told me about a tarot card reader she knew (a tarot card reader, really? this was not “me”), suggesting I call her. And I was so desperate that I actually did. In that moment, for the first time in my adult life, I let go of control. I suspended skepticism. I closed my eyes, took a leap of faith, and stepped into magic. This is where my new life began.
I’d taken one question with me to my appointment: How do I heal? She pulled my cards and nearly gasped, “You’re an artist!” as though it was the most unlikely possibility she could imagine, perhaps because I came in fully buttoned up, wearing the personal, professional aura I’d developed over decades. She asked what my art was and I told her I sang and wrote a little (you see, in order to leave painting behind all those years ago, I’d had to wipe it from my memory). She stared; her eyes boring through me like hot coals. This was not the answer she was seeking. I got very uncomfortable as she looked deeply into me, searching, and finally I remembered. “Oh!” I said, “I used to paint.” She clapped her hands together and pronounced, “That’s it! In order to heal you have to paint!”
I didn’t go back to work. I went home, walked directly to the bookshelf in my living room and pulled out a book Piper had given me the year before. It was The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. I opened it to a passage that read, “… all I knew was how to make these headlong dashes and hurl myself… at the wall… I fell… I bled…” Clearly, I was being guided, so for the second time in one day I took a leap of faith into the unknown that had become my life and, for the first time ever, gave myself over to magic. Within 3 months I’d given a year’s notice to my employer and set about re-learning how to paint.
This artist’s journey is all about faith and trust and a willingness to live in not knowing. We are asked, every day, to hope against hope that our dreams can come true. I think it’s why art is so precious and why we all long to be artists. It’s a journey into the wilds of the soul and it is there for each and every one of us if we are willing to believe even when we can’t see.
Jeane, I finally found time and your blog. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts so far, but look forward with great enthusiasm to following the story that is unfolding. I’m also anticipating the conversations, questions and maybe some answers that your blog will stimulate. You’ve already struck some chords related to my life as an artist and educator, like why must I be both? Because society demands productivity? Fear of the unknown? The insecurity of not having a steady paycheck? I may find out.
Hi Larry–You’ve answered my facebook question. You have read all 3. I’m glad it’s resonating with you. Yes, the story continues but also goes to day-to-day thoughts, struggles, inspirations and I’m anticipating participation from blog folks–questions and topics to address, conversation, I’m hoping. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule! I’d love to know your thoughts as it goes on.
I keep being reminded of my Artists Way book….I twist and turn in the winds of the feeling that I am destined to create art again, and then feel the breeze of simply being…hmmmm I’ll do both I reckon. Blessings and light along your path my friend as I feel your hand in mine:)
Grace
Ah, Grace, you are meant to create art again. Don’t you see that being and creating are the same? When I create, my being-ness flows through me, never more than that. They are far from mutually exclusive–each supports the other. Open The Artist’s Way. There’s magic in that book.
One of the reasons I’m writing this blog is to bring people back to their art. I will be thrilled when you find your way.
I am not exactly sure what you said here that hit such a nerve with me, but I have these crazy big tears in my eyes. I have been staring at an unfinished painting in my basement for almost 2 years now, I walk past it multiple times daily. And it has been that long since I have painted. You are such an enormous inspirtation to me. Thank you.
That pleases me no end, Misty. You’re a wonderful painter. Life rises up sometimes and takes us away from our art. But those crazy big tears are a message from soul telling you it’s time to begin again. You are being asked to believe your dreams can come true. Just begin. Take one day off from rock climbing each week and get to the canvas. And have compassion for yourself. It’s challenging for most of us to begin, but follow those tears and just do it. I’m here supporting you. Remember that.
thankyou
Yes! I’m glad you found it useful.
I love these photos! Especially the first (with snowflakes falling) and the third (with the virga at sunset).
Thanks Dave. It’s such a beautiful place it’s hard to take a bad photo–even for a point-and-shooter like me! That snowflake shot is pretty magical. It was a moment in time I can’t take credit for. I’m just happy I was there.