I have a secret to tell you: living your dream isn’t everything you think it will be. It isn’t, necessarily, the final or the whole answer. This fact hit me like a ton of bricks shortly after leaving my day job. I was stunned. I think I thought the leap into the dream, living every day as a working artist, was it. But, in fact, it was just the beginning. I didn’t understand this back then.
I read somewhere long ago that we never get to escape ourselves. No matter where we go, we always take us with us. I thought they were just talking about geography but I understand, now, they weren’t. We take ourselves into the lives of our dreams, too. What this means is the same issues that dogged me in my corporate life, other than a boss and my clients, still nip at my heals now. The sorrows that kept me awake nights then, still hold me sleepless. If anything, being an artist has brought them to the fore. It is harder to hide when my work is everyday, always, below the surface. The fact is, even though I am living a life I truly love, it is still hard, because I carry that hardness in me. THIS, folks, is what living our dreams does: it shows ourselves to us.
A reader named Sue sent this quote by Katherine Mansfield to me: “The mind I love must have wild places, a tangled orchard where dark damsons drop in heavy grass, an overgrown little wood, the chance of a snake or two, a pool that nobody’s fathomed the depth of, and paths threaded with flowers planted by the mind.” I love it, in part, because it describes me—the me I have denied in lieu of some better sister, some perfect girl.
I look at Finn and I don’t know where this dog finds his joy but he is filled with it. Shaggy from starvation, no telling the state of his organs, old injuries causing him pain, he is happy—simply happy. And I think it’s why I love him so much because, given everything, all my blessings, I haven’t found that for myself yet. But it is just there at the tip of my fingers now. It is within reach. It is there in the dark damson of my mind, in the overgrown wood of my heart, in the snake or two of my laughter, in the unfathomed depths of my soul. It is there for me when I can love these things that were born into me—that have waited a lifetime to be recognized; that have wanted, more than anything, to be seen—first by me.
And it is there I will find my joy and nowhere else but.
All photos in today’s post were shot by Kevin Hulett.
Love to you all,
Jeane
There you are perfect and divine as always -scars and moments of dismay are all your beautiful tassels and ribbons as well…I can only imagine the pains but I bless them now and always for you sister of mine:) Mine is always the wish to rock you in a large down quilt in a huge rocking chair when I imagine your times of angst of heart…we will do again those things that we do not yet allow ourselves to embrace and love… until we understand we actually adore them I suppose:)
You are brave and are way ahead of the place you imagine yourself to be I reckon.
XOXOXO
Grace
What a lovely, lovely wish. I feel it right now, that down quilt, the rocking chair, the beat of your loving heart. Thank you for always being there, Grace. This is just my journey and I do relish it–all of it–the shadow and the light–every minute, every day. Love and blessings to you.
Thanks I appreciate the love and blessings always!
I feel for you for it is hard to go thru such things when you know that they are just a reach away…when you can reach them and I can only pray that someday, some shiney sunny day that you will reach them and then finally be able to breathe that sigh of content! I love what Grace wrote to you…it was very comforting! I am not as good as a writer as she is but I do wish for the same comfort for you for I know and can relate to your post in my own way…seeing in myself what others see of me…someday I will. Just for now though I would like for you to know that I think you are going to find what is at your fingertips soon cause as I can see, you are a Great Artist living her dream and doing it well (though I’m sure there are tough times) and you have so much love that surrounds you: friends, animals, the gallery, a beautiful home etc… You yourself have given alot to many people out there thru your blog and become a good friend though far away to me. I can only pray that some day I will have what you have in my coming years for seeing what you have and have done just brings me that much closer to what I need to reach for just at my fingertips! Bless you and be comforted I hope a little from me, Cin =)
Thank you Cindy. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that I’ve touched your life. You’ve touched mine as well. In this post I really just wanted to make the point that taking the leap into our dream doesn’t solve everything. We still have our emotional work to do, every day. Nothing we do will ever take that away. There’s always more work to do. But I see that as a GOOD thing! So I am fine. Totally fine. Just still deep in the work of becoming. Thank you for your terrific support and good wishes. Back at ‘cha.
Guess I was way off base on that one!!! Sometimes I’m not as smart in the readings of your posts as others are. Oh well…like I said way off base…dingy…feel stupid! : p
Oh dear, Cindy, don’t feel all those things. Grace read it in a similar way. Communicating is a challenging thing. We often miscommunicate and that’s a two-way street. I didn’t make my point clear enough but I’m not feeling stupid. Please don’t you, either. Blessings to you.
I loose myself in the writings you offer to me each time anew lol. I did not realize I HAD read this before!! It is always perfectly in the present. I understand that you are fully aware of this, but as Cindy shared as well…we are led by your words to our heart’s compassion, and so we share that:) XOXOX
Yes, my dear, since I’ve been sick (and still am–aargh!) I’ve been re-posting some pieces. Glad you can find something in them anew.
lose myself…let myself loose? rof lol. 🙂 My body is talking to me through my shoulders…has been for about 6 months now. Interesting conversation I must say. lol. I have good acupuncturist and Craniosacral therapy that help me a lot though… to help me to listen and allow change:) I am using reminders at bed time and awakening that are a great help as well! XOXOX
I, of course, knew what you meant. But, yes, a possible Freudian slip there. I’m sure your shoulders are about letting loose, letting go. I wish you were near here. I have very good healing hands and I believe I’d be able to help you. Sending healing energy your way.
Yes I wish I was near too! I am thinking that the change in the weather from warm and dry to wet and chilly is not a big aid to me, lol. It has never been an issue for me in the past, but there seems to be a pattern that has developed telling me that warm dry weather is a thing my body likes:) We will see what this season tells me…if I am able to adjust to the weather or not will speak volumes to me. I have empathy for your health issues…my Mom and Dad both had bouts with the same…they got over it so there is THAT:)!! I keep reminding myself to be in the present and simultaneously allow a cellular level shift to healing:) Patience is a very LARGE subject with regard to bodies talking to our intelligence…intellect is a noisy thing until it isn’t.
Yes, patience, a willingness to be still, to let go, to accept… Our bodies are great communicators and teachers.
We all have to have our “dark places”. There has to be someplace to cultivate a better us. God help us if we ever become perfect. There will be nothing left to strive for, no room for expansion, no reason to be alive. There is a line from one of the “Dirty Harry” movies. Harry says to the bad guy, ” a man’s got to know his limitations”. The line should end; It gives him a place to start. I have many places from which to start.
Don’t we all, thank god.
Yeah. It is good to have somewhere to go.