Fifteen years ago, today, I died (see previous posts My Story Begins, My Re-Birthday, The Night I Died: The Whole Story, Part 1 and The Night I Died, the Whole Story, Part 2). There are people who don’t understand why I would mark this day, let alone celebrate it, but March 8th forever changed my course. My old ways died and the new has been being birthed ever since. The process of becoming has certainly not been a straight line for me—I moved from Seattle to southern Utah, from Utah to the mountains of northern New Mexico, from a life in business to that of an artist, from unconsciousness to consciousness and back again, the old, fighting for its life, the new struggling in its birth.
I call this living down to the bone, living skinless. It is primal and real. Every single time I feel certainty another old layer sloughs off exposing new tissue that is raw. But this is why I lived–for this exactly: to experience the physicality of emotion—to feel pain and joy through my heart and breathe love into my lungs, to take life in through the pores of my skin, to be its essence.
I taste everything up here in this thin mountain air—my solitude that sometimes aches, the brimming of joy when I laugh out loud and the dogs dance, the acceptance of loss, knowing there’s nothing new in that, nothing to blame, no one at fault.
This is where I belong and I came here by way of dying one March night fifteen years ago. I don’t think it could have happened any other way. And that red-tailed hawk yesterday, diving in front of my windshield, arcing across the plane of my vision, reminds me that I am home, on this land, in this heart, of this body. My spirit rejoices for one more minute of tasting juniper on my lips and the cry of that hawk piercing the ice blue heavens.
Death delivered me from a living death and brought me fully alive. As Thoreau said, “I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear… I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.” This is what March offers.
My dog barks outside, a coyote sings in reply–they take up a chorus. Morning wraps itself around me, the sun rises in my eyes; I am silent. Thank you, Spirit, for letting me have another day.
Love to you all,
Jeane
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Jeane,
I celebrate as well, your rebirth today with a blessing to you, of grace… every moment to know you are in this state of grace and allowing the vast power of spirit to flow through you into your art and bless all those that cross your path:)
Grace <3
Thank you, Grace. I am just home from a full day in Santa Fe with Anna, celebrating. Tomorrow I make myself available to my art. Thank you for being there for it all. Blessings to you and love…
Happy Aniversary of Your Rebirth!!! I am happy for you in all the trials and tribulations you have gone through in finding yourself and I’m sure you’re still finding new things with each passing day! I just love reading your posts and must admit that I sort of live vicariously through you; in a good way, with excitement on learning what new venture you have entailed, (also learning from you about art) and looking at all those beautiful pictures you post! What a beautiful place you live at! It’s like visiting a place without even having to go there. It makes me excited for I feel if you can do what you have done in changing your life and finding yourself that I too can do this and will slowly but eventually do it as well! Thank you for sharing and showing that anything can be done if you really want to rediscover yourself; discover who you are; become your own self! Thank you Jeane profoundly!
Hi Cindy–I’m so happy you’re on this journey with me. Everything you write is why I’m doing the blog. It warms my heart that you’re receiving it all exactly as I’d intended. And YES, if I can do it, anyone can. I wonder what the NEXT 15 years will hold–for each of us. Thanks for coming along!
Hello Jeane
I read your Blogs about 6 or so in a row today.
I have been feeling so scared about that leap of faith you talked about in one of your blogs, which I googled for.
I feel myself at the precipice of not knowing.
I have been trying so hard to make it as an artist. Semi-stifled and full of fear about wether my paintings will ever sell to support me I was drawn to your blogs.
It touched me so deeply to hear about your healing journey and reveals to me how important it is to let go and let Spirit enter and guide the journey.
I can see how my own struggling is the block to allowing Spirit to make effortless what I try so hard to do.
Thank you from the depths of my heart for what you have shared through the courage you live your life with and your willingness to know your true self and Spirit.
In gratitude
Hi Jhana–
As I said in this post, this healing journey has not been a straight line for me. Many times I doubt. I’ve been scared often. Your note comes to me at a time when I needed to be reminded that I’m on the right path. Thank YOU. I asked Spirit the other day to give me a message if I was doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Yours is the third message, the third day in a row. It works like that I think. When we get out of our own way, as you say, when we listen, we’ll get answers. I’m so glad you found the blog and that you find it meaningful.
As artists, we often need to piece together our livings. I’ve done other things these last 15 years besides painting. I’ve taught, given guided horseback tours… But the point is to be true to yourself, honor your art, live your truth, regardless of how your living is earned.
Welcome to the journey.