I honestly don’t know where to begin, although I’ve thought about the moment when I might so many times over the last six months. A dear friend said, “You know, even in very bad times, I believe that the conversation you maintained with your readers helped keep you afloat, sustained you on some level, and helped your spirit feel connected in ways it hasn’t in recent months. I also know that it just wasn’t possible for you to keep that up while you’ve been so deeply tired and so ill. But if you wake up one day soon and feel called to return to that conversation, or even just to gently test the waters again, I for one will cheer you on with all my heart.” Today is apparently that day. And I agree with my friend: These conversations between us, you all and I, have sustained and connected me to something that resonates within as vitally important as air. They have been life sustaining in fact.
I had told that same friend, when I withdrew even from her, that I felt a need to wrap tightly into myself, to somehow curl around my very core, putting its heat and energy into getting strong again, even if that same action served to shut out much of my world.
I haven’t written, not only due to a lack of energy and will, but also because of a lack of inspiration. A life tamped down to its barest essentials and medicated to the hilt doesn’t offer up much stimulus. And I felt I had nothing to add to the lovely conversation, as my friend put it, that we, you all and I, had going.
So along with almost everything else, I left you all and went deeply into self. I went silent. I want to apologize to those of you who have written to say you’ve missed hearing from me, and also to those (a surprising number according to the stats Adam-–see previous post How the Blog Was Born—recently sent me) who have stuck by me, continuing to check in and read even in the face of my ongoing silence. I especially want to thank you for that—for standing by me.
It hasn’t been easy here in my life. In fact it’s been very hard, although my difficulties are nothing compared to a mother in Syria, for instance, or a thousand other occurrences I could name that are unspeakable. But a friend once said to me suffering is relative. Just because there are others in the world in far worse shape than I, doesn’t diminish my own personal struggle. And I know that to be true.
I also haven’t written because I fear my whole demeanor no longer fits with that writer you all knew who was filled with belief and hope; faith in a benevolent universe. In fact after several years of being kicked about a bit, I no longer know what I believe.
I keep thinking that’s what it’s all been about: A stripping down to bone so as to teach me how to put on muscle again.
But does it really need to be about anything?
Or could it just be life? Could it simply be what life is presenting to me right now?
In a lovely letter I received recently from a reader she said, in part, “I hope… you have joy, love and happiness in your life. May 2016 bring you better health and a strong spirit.”
And there’s a wonderful truth: I do still have joy, love and happiness in my life and a spirit that is still strong in there somewhere, even if it wavers sometimes.
I believe (see there it is, poking its nose up to survey the outer landscape, I’m starting to believe again) that in the midst of seemingly soul-shattering experiences, life still offers us its light. But we have to stay alert or we can miss it, so small may be its beam.
Look at the children in those horrible news clips we see all too frequently now, the refugees seeking shelter from war. While many are distressed we see others, in the camps sometimes, playing with sticks and rocks or whatever is at hand; or babies clinging to parents, trusting: That is the human spirit made visible I think. And that is something we all share. Those people, refugees from war, hatred, evil, illness, continue because they want to live. They want to find a place of peace where they can raise their families. They want to give their children a better life. They need food to eat, clean water and air, shelter, a way to earn a living.
I have all of those things. And it seems monstrously disrespectful of me to give up, in the face of those who don’t, under much worse circumstances. So I want to tap into my own rather tested and tired spirit to proactively reclaim my health.
And I’m asking for your help. As my friend recognized, when I write to you I am kept afloat.
So let me make a pledge to you all here today because I haven’t been able to do it with Kim’s, Kathy’s, Craig’s, Aubrie’s, my Mom’s, love and support alone. Or by my own intention.
I am going to take the steps, a few at a time because it will be a fairly long journey, to get well again.
And I want to enlist your help in this way: I’d like you to witness my recovery, my journey back to health. Why, you might be asking, should I give a whit about that? But hear me out.
I thought I would try to write posts about my experiences and my hope is that as I offer up glimpses of my own personal reclamation project, some of you may decide to take a look at that thing you haven’t been able to face yet (come on now we, each of us, have something). And I thought we could support each other in the process. While writing to you gives me a sense of having made a pact, an oath more potent than just to myself, my efforts could possibly serve as a catalyst to you to deal with whatever it may be.
I don’t want to go into the specifics of my health issues because that’s not really the point. Instead I want to focus on getting back into partnership with my body to become strong again. And back into communication with you.
When I write to you a sort of connectedness to spirit opens within me. Some of you have written to say a similar thing happens for you when you read my posts. So there it is. I’m asking you to give me the strength I haven’t found elsewhere to deal with my seemingly crumbling health. And it is my hope that I may be of some use to you as well. What do you say?
I’m not sure how frequently I’ll be able to post, but I’m thinking just a toe in to, as my friend put it, test the waters. It’s fairly scary for me but I’ll take the plunge if you all go with me. Are we ready? OK, get set GOoooooooohhhhhhhh….
Love to you all,
Jeane
SOOOO good to hear from you again jeane….we misssssed you! glorious pictures too. hang in there…we are all rooting for you. love maggie and gary ( in KY now but in NM permanently in june 2016!! whoo hoo)
I can’t remember how I found you but I know i have always found your posts inspirational and thought provoking. Indeed their infrequency gives them more gravitas, when we are so used to being bombarded with daily outpourings of meaningless rubbish on FB. God bless you.
Thank you for posting again; I have missed you. I find your openness inspirational. I hope you find peace, health, happiness and art in the days to come.
I think of you so often- and miss your art, your lovely photographs that allow all of us to be there with you, your take on the world. You’ve always sought inspiration, creativity and wisdom- all of those apply to health, as well. I feel the conversation among us will continue with a different rhythm, recharging and supporting one another.
What a lovely surprise to finally hear from you after such a long time. I have missed you and your messages, your beautiful photos, your ability to ‘tell it like it is.’ I wish for you better health, patience, love, wisdom as you make your journey back to health and happiness which may be very different from your previous experiences. Hugs to you, Jeane!
I found you when researching the High Road for a trip several years ago. I just came across an opportunity to return next month and am happy to see you back posting on your blog again. Your words and pictures are life-affirming. Thank you for sharing them–I am grateful to offer any strength I can as a dedicated reader.
Dearest Jeanne, a Thank You for this beautiful effort, very touching and inspired. I send Our Love to you and know that the focus and commitment is part of the best mojo. Thanks for reaching out to us, your friends, readers and fans. We’re out here, we are praying and rooting for you and your triumph. Your journey is powerful medicine if the possible. I treasure some our times together, our revelations, your huge breakthroughs. I saw a photo if a bowl with a silicute crystal in it. I rember that huge cash of amazing selenite pieces you had, stained from the red earth. You were so generous I took several pieces. I want you to know that one piece in particular has become my most power, personal, healing stone. I have included it in many healing experiences. Learning if your struggles, taking it in and seeing that photo, I thought it would be a perfect time to share. Iboften think of you when I use it. Now I will confirm your healthy recovery when I use it and bring your essence into my meditation. I feel you woman, thanks for reaching out to us in this poweew and vulnerable way. Peace and Joy to you.with Love Lila & ‘Chris
I’m so very happy to hear from you Lila and am especially touched that the piece of crystal has served you well, and you it. I look forward to feeling your powerful and healing thoughts as we both continue on our journeys. Today has been a huge challenge which I’ll try to write about but having you all covering my back has made all the difference. My love to you and Chris and “Biggie.” Much love, Jeane
Oh Jeane, I’m so happy to hear from you again. I’ve missed your posts, and your energy, and your wonderful worldview. I’m sending you energy – healing, whole-ing energy – tonight at Pipe Ceremony and in general. Here it comes!
Dear Jeanne, I so appreciated your heartfelt post, and I celebrate your journey. We are here urging you on. You are a stream of well being, simply being pinched off a little at the moment. If we can do anything to help you tap into that stream, and that may simply be witnessing your recovery, we will do that.
Congratulations Jeanne! on taking the first steps of your new healing journey. It’s wonderful and inspiring to know you’re tackling the obstacles that have drug you down. As a dedicated reader I’ve missed hearing from you, but you certainly haven’t lost your ability to connect with and to eloquently express the deepest part of yourself. Thank you for sharing those thoughts and for having the courage to ask for help. And for your incredible photographs! You have a good eye in all ways. I believe you’ll see we’re all on board to help in whatever way we can. And, I know for sure you will be our teacher along the way. Welcome back..
Jeanne, I too, have looked for you and have noted your absence. I
am so sorry for your suffering. Reflecting on the activity of reaching out—radiating
or communing—it seems, to me, an amazing thing, really. The sun does it; stars
do it. I even wonder if it is not a principle fundamental to the universe. Might
such communing be our humble way, in these three dimensions, to demonstrate what
is true at the deepest level: That everything is merely a resplendent facet of a
single holy prism; that communing is just making palpable what is the deepest,
but invisible truth? I am glad you are touching us, again, with your golden
rays. If only I might be sufficiently and resplendently reflective of the warm light
you radiate. Good to hear your voice, sunshine.
I am all in for the ride, whatever it looks like – the very one I have been/am refusing to saddle up for so far. So, thank you for showing up with the invitation. I’ve been visiting off and on when feeling dangerously untethered and yet somehow not brave enough to breach the privacy wall … but please know how grateful I am to see you here, and hope that writing something, anything, will give all of us a chance to reach back and grab your hand in solidarity with the hard road. <3<3<3
Hell Ya I am in Jeane! Leave it to you to find a path to not only help yourself, but to inspire all of us. Our years in age only serve to help us slow down a bit and realize that our bodies have accomplished a lot over the years. Slowing down has been my biggest obstacle, and yet I had to hurt my knee… to do it! Of course, healing comes in resting the injuries, but this allows for you to join us all together in our healing and your wonderful way of giving us perspective! The suffering in the world is more than I can handle without tears now adays. Have we reached a stage of helplessness? Hell No… Jeane will bring me out of this as she heals, too… Love ya seester!