I am way too malleable. Among the many definitions of this are: Capable of being altered or controlled by outside forces; Easily influenced; Able to be hammered or pressed permanently out of shape without breaking or cracking. That would be me. Do any of you run into this? Just when I think I’m being true to myself I turn around and am at it again, changing to please others.
A friend recently told me his preferences for conversation style saying he liked a quiet, reserved way of communicating–less talking and more silence. That’s not exactly my way so I immediately judged myself as somehow wrong and set about figuring out how to be different. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t trying to change me. He was just telling me what he likes. That would make this my issue, not his. And even if he was, it’s still my issue if I change to please him.
I’m outgoing and talkative in social situations. I feel responsible for keeping the conversation going, to fill in the silences, even though I’m actually pretty shy and can feel somewhat awkward. I’m sure lots of you can relate to this. It’s pretty common, I think.
He and I talked about this: How different I am when socializing than when I’m at home. In my home it’s just me with the animals and hour after hour of silence. When he’s there with me I give him lots of space and as much quiet time as he seems to want. But I don’t give myself permission for silence when I’m out in public. He suggested I try it.
The fact is, though, I enjoy both: Being quiet and talking. I was born under a Leo moon so, let’s face it, I like attention, and I’m a Gemini. We’re all about communicating. I have a fiercely analytical mind and I appreciate interesting discussions on a range of diverse topics. This isn’t wrong, it’s just who I am–how I’m built.
But I do want to look at how I behave with others, to consider whether or not I want to approach the world “out there” more like I live at home. Would I be more comfortable that way? Maybe. Could I be a better listener? Absolutely. But if I change anything about how I communicate, it has to come from my own desire to change, not because someone else might like me better if I do. That’s where it gets tricky for me: Knowing the motives behind my actions.
Interestingly, a character in a movie I watched last night said, when facing the same problem within herself, “He took small pieces of me which I willingly gave, one at a time, so I didn’t notice, but piece by piece, little by little, I lost myself. I changed so much that I didn’t exist anymore”.
It’s a slow and winding process, it seems, coming to ourselves. As T.S. Eliot so eloquently put it:
“And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time”.
Love to you all,
Jeane
Photos were provided by Kevin Hulett.
I used to worry about the fact that I had good friends who didn’t like each other. I wondered if I was so indistinct that I was subjugating myself just to have “friends”. I wondered how I could accept and actually like people with whom I disagreed about serious issues, when others refused to even be in the same room with antagonists, even courteous ones. Now I just wish more people were like me… more comfortable with intelligent, creative people with whom to have discourse rather than acquiescence. In a room full of like minded people, I get bored quickly and tend to say outlandish things. The life of the party… t
Yes, what is it about human beings that we seem to require acquiescence? I am not you. You are not me. Why don’t we relish and enjoy this more? Glad you’re fanning the flame of diversity. I will do my part by standing in the truth of who I am, understanding that, not only must I not change to be more pleasant, but rather I must be the difference and embrace it.
Jeane,
I love you, so I speak to myself as I do to you in particular and all in general lol – and no matter what you do or how you think you could, would, or should do, you are always one with being Jeane, THIS Jeane, now. A moment ago or tomorrow always perfect:) You are always divine in your wonderful sharing and joy of life that is noisy and when you are pensive and quiet….even when you rationalize that you may be doing something for someone else…it is still the one “being” named Jeane in sync. Always with grace you move in being. While feeling compassion or angst for self and others is always the peaceful opportunity to live in wonder at how awesomely our minds wander here and there, to find their way back to the beautiful kaleidescope of one. We only get this body for a while….and it is beeeeeauuuuutiful. I say this for myself of course:) Thanks for reminding me of this.
XOXOXO
You are still in a body, but you are as close to heavenly as they get:)
Grace
As you see and know, I struggle with beingness because I struggle with accepting me, as I am… it’s the big series of lessons for me… I feel the peace that awaits, that is mine now… obviously you are one of the great teachers brought into my life to remind me, always, that I am an expression of divine life and PERFECT, as I am, every moment… Love to you for your steady, clear vision and beingness.
Being your oldest friend, a title I wear proudly, I want to tell you that you are still the most amazing person I have known…and I’ve know a lot of people because, I too am a Gemini and outgoing and too talkative, but I mean really too talkative. I practice not talking but often “blurts” come out…I learned the art of listening, really listening when my children were born. Before I was always thinking of the next thing to say. You have never been like that, Jeane. Anyone who is lucky enough to enter your world should thank the Lord and not try to change you. My husband, the love of my life, was a man of few words and he married me because he said, “You make my life exciting!” Jeane, you, your art, your words, your outlook on life makes my life exciting and you are leaving behind memories of this excitement in your art, your words, your actions, and your outlook. To this, I thank you dear old friend. Please, oh, please never change who you are…and do not judge yourself by the standards of others, male or female. You set the standard of kindness, humanity, and follow through! The photos of you in this blog are beautiful. Thanks for sharing! I love ya seester!
Thanks dear old friend. I am still the same little girl you defended when we were 12. Here we are at 60 and you are STILL defending me! We’ve talked about this before and I know acceptance of self must come from within. For whatever reason, it’s not a straight line for me but, little by little, I’m getting there. Your love, acceptance and support have always, always buoyed me. Thanks for receiving the sharing 🙂 My friend, Kevin, shot all the photos. I’m comfortable with him so he can usually catch me when I’m not hiding…
Jeane,
I LOVE your friend Joy:) Her parents picked a perfect name for her for certain. She brings it.
XOXO
Grace
Yes, she does… I might add your parents picked the perfect name for you as well 🙂
Well, Thank you Jeane:) You are just a joy full of grace no matter what your name is..you lucked out lol.
I was thinking about my name as we had this exchange. Interesting that some names so clearly say who the person is while others need to be deconstructed into their numeral significance to gather a person’s truth. We ALL lucked out!
Hi Jeane, I never saw you as one struggling with self acceptance,but one who knew what she wanted and needed in life and not was afraid to achieve it. you have always set the standard for me. The thing is I guess we really don’t know how deep inside people are struggling with many of the same issues that I am. For years I got messages from my dad on how I shouldn’t be…then from the church a another load to conform to,even losing myself in marriage. I thank God that in the last ten years I have started down the road of discovering who it is that I am to be in this world as I was created. It is not easy to change when you are 62 years and so many patterns have been set. I have always been a people pleaser. I related totally with what you shared and it is a struggle, with grace and time I am hopeful that I will settle in to just being present with myself when I am with others without worrying about their judgements, and I would hope that I could do that for others. I am so grateful for your blog, it really is helpful at this time in my life. there is always something to give hope and inspire to carry on for another day…love you jeane
Thank you, Marilyn. Yes, it’s pretty amazing what we can present on the outside when we are something very different on the inside. I’ve always “achieved” but, at the same time, been filled with self-doubt and worry. In the end I think we’re all more the same than we are different. That’s something important to remember, I think. The horses are helping me be more real. If I come to them presenting on the outside something different than I’m feeling on the inside, they are spooked by me. So they’re helping me to become more conscious.
Since you started writing to me recently, I’ve felt a powerful shift in you. You’re more confident, communicative and solid in who you are and what you want. Congratulations!
I can’t tell you how nice it is to hear that the blog is supporting you in your growth. Thank you! It’s why I’m doing it–to try to inspire others to live their truth. So glad you found it.
Love you.