How many of you have thought about loving without attachment or what that even means? It’s a tricky concept to understand and live, I think, at least it’s been for me. To love without attachment means we open our hearts to another but we don’t control or possess them. It’s something I’ve been consciously trying to do for at least a year now. My first attempt was unsuccessful for several reasons.
My ideal is to be with a partner I trust who will make and honor agreements with me, but I don’t want to own him nor do I want to be owned by him. In the splendid book, The Way to Love, The Last Meditations of Anthony De Mello, De Mello suggests we say to our love, “I leave you free to be yourself, to think your thoughts, to indulge your taste, follow your inclinations, behave in any way that you decide is to your liking.” He adds, “The moment you say that, you will observe one of two things: Either your heart will resist those words and you will be exposed for the clinger and exploiter that you are; so now is the time to examine your false belief that without this person you cannot live or cannot be happy. Or your heart will pronounce the words sincerely and in that very instant all control, manipulation, exploitation, possessiveness, jealousy will drop.”
What do you think? When a friend first read those words to me I wasn’t ready to accept them. I responded with the resistance De Mello describes. But I know, now, this is how I want to live, although I’ll admit it’s not always easy, nor is it a concept that receives wide cultural support.
The fact is, we can never really own another and I don’t believe we’re meant to. Nor are there any guarantees, as much as we would love there to be. Loss is simply a part of life. We can lose those we love to death and we can lose them to other relationships. Sometimes love just dies. The man I love could meet someone tomorrow who draws him away from me. This does not make either of them bad people in spite of what our society may say. Love happens, relationships finish. We all know this. Most of us have experienced it at one time or another. But that hurts so we still long for the fairy tale, don’t we? And sometimes love does last a lifetime. Let’s celebrate it when it does, but let’s lovingly release it when it doesn’t. As hard as it is, when a relationship completes itself we are meant to move on. When the lessons we came together to learn have been gained, we are supposed to let go. I think part of loving is knowing when to do that, if that time comes.
De Mello goes on to say, “Your beloved will then belong not to you but to everyone or to no one, like the sunrise… In saying those words you have set yourself free. You are now ready to love… Love can only exist in freedom. The true lover seeks the good of his beloved which requires especially the liberation of the beloved from the lover.”
Loving without attachment doesn’t mean we love less. I think it actually means we love more. We love with our hearts fully open, but we don’t hold to any sense of ownership. And we take responsibility for finding our own happiness within. We don’t depend on the love of a particular other to create it for us. In loving like this we make our own lives which we can then share with another if we choose.
I said at the beginning of this piece that my first attempt at this kind of loving failed for several reasons. First of all, I chose the wrong partner and, back then, I wasn’t aware of how deeply I’d internalized our societal beliefs about relationships. So now I’m sifting through them, endeavoring to shed those that do not serve. And I didn’t have the self-confidence or internal peace needed for a non-possessive kind of commitment to work. I’m still practicing that and I envy those of you who have it. I’m getting better every day.
We can’t snap our fingers and suddenly be transformed into people who seamlessly love within the kind of freedom DeMello is talking about. It can be a life-long process of growth and discovery–an on-going learning—two steps forward, one step back, as they say. But the journey is so very worth the time and effort, I believe. There are few role models to follow so we have to make it up as we go along. However, don’t you think it’s a good way to learn to live, with complete autonomy for both people in a partnership, and a genuine desire for the other’s good?
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I agree with you completely:) Thanks for the reminders to let go in each moment to outcome…and to love the abundant moment as it is. It is a moment to moment mindfully rich adventure – life. Ahhh to all those who know this and can be. Is what you call envy something like JOY at the prospect of your own arrival at that place you see? Its all perfect.
Love, and happy kisses on both cheeks…muwaaahh – muwaaah!
Grace
Yes, Grace, how perfectly stated: What I call envy is actually my JOY at the prospect of my own arrival at the place I see. Thank you for your beautiful perspective. Love and kisses back to you… muwaaahh – muwaaah! (I LOVE that!).
Simply Superb
Thank you, dear. That means a lot coming from you.
Jeane,
After realizing what I expressed in my first reply to this post I have to reiterate for myself the mantra that we are already here in the one divine state. Here we can choose to process the lifting of the veil to realize it….it feels like we are looking toward something we do not embody, but we are already there. Our recognition of the mirror of that one that seems another is just a nudge to recall our true nature via thier glowing example.
Thanks again for your nudge to my own minds cloaked nature.
Blessings and many lovely moments of divine recognition to you today.
Love,
Grace
And thanks for your even MORE accurate statement of truth. We are all already “there”. Thank you for the reminder! Love and blessings to you.
Wow, amazing article!!
Thank you Brittany. I’m glad you liked it. I think it’s a topic that deserves our time but we so rarely discuss it in this culture.
I love that you are open to important and very personal discussions. What a giving person you are.
Thank you, Sherry. But as I’ve moved further away from the blog and more into painting, I find I’m less and less available to the blog community, as important as it can be.
Lovely! I so get this. I have just started this very same quest myself.
I’ve come quite a distance with this since writing the piece, Carole, and I have to say it’s so rewarding–a very good way to learn to live and love. Enjoy your journey.
Yes.. it’s not an easy state to reach, but with awareness and a genuine aspiration to real love , it is eminently possiible, and is such a great and liberating place to be! To all wthose who aspire to this state of true love without attachment;, persevere…. because beleve me… it is SO worth it!
Lovely way to live a happy life.Live and let live 🙂
Yes, I agree. It’s hard work sometimes but I’m getting better and better at it with practice.
Not for me. I am a covenant person. Back in the day, we used to profess this kind of spirituality in relationships. But we found ourselves settling for less than the fullness commitment can offer. If you find happiness and fulfillment in that, bless you then. That is the best thing for you.
I agree with this, too, Sherry. I think the perfect balance is commitment to a relationship while practicing letting go at the same time.
How is it done?
You’ve caused me to give this a lot more thought. How is this done, indeed? It certainly isn’t easy. Obviously, loving is different for each one of us and bless YOU if you find what’s important for you in the commitment you describe. I guess, for me, freedom within commitment is a sort of state of mind. To be committed to one monogamous relationship, to one person, while holding them in an open hand. Anthony De Mello writes beautifully about this in his book, The Way to Love. He says to say to our beloved, “I leave you free to be yourself, to think your thoughts, to indulge your taste, follow your inclinations, behave in any way that is to your liking.” He says that when we can honestly say that, our beloved “…becomes important the way a sunset or a symphony is lovely in itself, the way a tree is special in itself and not for the fruit or the shade it can offer you.Your beloved will then belong not to you but to everyone or to no one like the sunrise and the tree.” We all know we can never own another person. But we can love them and be committed to them, to have a covenant, as you say, but to do it all in the spirit of knowing that our beloved must be true to him or herself if they are going to be fully alive and fully available to love. Definitely a difficult practice to put into words, but I hope this helps.
If you attach your happiness to any person, situation or thing, any of these can be taken from you, and with it goes your happiness, and any chance of really loving.
And.. even while they’re not being taken from you, you are bound to be living with a fear of their loss. And just as love drives out fear… fear drives out love!
We can’t possess anyone or anything without that fear being a part of the equation, so it definitely isn’t the path to real love.
Love is what we ARE, if we will just discover it by shedding all those things that love is not! Even Jesus intimated that “God’ IS love!”
Note: Not, “God’ does love”, or “God’ has love”!
Love is the essence of God, as it is of ourselves.
Love is not something we HAVE, or that we GIVE or DO!
It is simply what we ARE! The sooner we can realise and accept this truth, the sooner we can embark on the way to REAL love. ?
All so very true, Drew. It’s been several years since I wrote this piece and I’m happy to say that, with much practice and work, I’m getting closer and closer to my desired way of loving–all things–even life when she gets hard to bear.