It was doing The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron in 1996 that brought me back to my art. I want to share an exercise I did in July of ‘96 that I’ve kept all these years. The task was to write a letter from me at 80 to me at my current age. I was 46 at the time. I offer it exactly as I wrote it 14 years ago:
“Most importantly, know you can let yourself go. You can trust. Have faith. There is a wonderful plan for your life and you are on the right path.
Heal. Be Happy.
Trust God. Drop your defenses. Relish the sun and the rain. Go barefoot. Play. Continue to write and paint. Paint and write together.
Deepen your friendships. Expand them.
Eat well. Rest. Be at peace. Anything that touches you, pursue it.
Open yourself to your own heart and soul and then to humanity. Love the masses. Learn not to judge. Understand that the universe is a magical, friendly place. Be free in it, not afraid.
Open your spirit. Let God in. Follow your instincts.
Play more, lots more. Laugh always. Delight freely. Fill your days with wonder.”
These words were like a foreign language to me back then but I read them now and my heart swells because they are describing the essence of my life. I never thought I could have peace. I have it now. I thought happiness belonged to someone else but it is mine too.
I do trust. I do have faith. They are tested every day because faith and trust are founded in belief in self and that has been the hardest part of this journey for me. That’s where I always falter. But I believe in life, which I never thought I would, and I am not afraid. I do relish the sun and the rain and, now, the snow—who knew? I need to play more. That’s never been an easy one for me. But I do understand the universe is a magical place and I’m learning to be free in it. My heart and soul are open. I love.
Every single day, as I wake up on this land, from the moment my eyes open I am filled with wonder.
And I am healing. It’s a long and deep process that will be unfolding until the day I die. But it’s been such a blessing to have something physical needing my attention because it introduced me to the whole that needed to heal.
My weakest link is self-confidence. Sometimes I worry old messages will continue to hold me hostage and I’ll never believe I’m worthy of this life, my art, my love and security. But then I read the wishes my 80 year-old self had for my 46 year-old self and I am in awe because I am living its reality at 60. Being simply practical here, I need to get over the whole narcissistic self-doubt drama and make more wishes. Because wishes are powerful and dreams really do come true.
Is a wish different from a goal? I set goals: then I actively persue them. Is a wish something you go after and work for, or something you sit back and wait to magicly happen? Does one actively persue a wish?
Yes, a wish is different from a goal. I have done it both. In fact, I prefer goal setting which has led me to all kinds of wrong corners- but I got there, with lots of energy, hope, work, stamina etc. Every time I reached a goal I set another one. There is never peace. A wish is different. It’s something in the back of your brain or heart or wherever it might be. You don’t actively pursue it, but I think it subconsciously ( or magically if you will) leads our steps towards this direction. And maybe even creates the circumstances that have to be…When I was a teenager growing up in East Germany I wanted to live in America- just like the Indians:). Of course, that was never to happen because there was a border and America was very far away. I agonized over it, was miserable. My dad at the time said something very strange: ” Sometimes you just file your wish away, go about your life, and one day you find yourself exactly where you wished you’d be now…” At the time I really thought he was just passive and never went for his dreams and wanted me to do the same thing. Guess what, whatever I wished for happened- 10 years later I might add, but nevertheless. I am in awe. I will always remember my dad for it. Even so he died just before things started to happen. I guess there really never is a guarantee.
Birgit,
What a truly beautiful example of what I was trying to say. Your real-life example is a perfect illustration that wishes are different from goals and dreams really can come true. I’m so glad yours did.
That’s a great question and I can answer it based on my own beliefs anyway. I do think a wish is different from a goal. Let’s see if I can put the difference into coherent words. A goal is about something more concrete like building my house or starting this blog. I had to get permits and a contractor, get plans drawn, to create this house. In deciding to write this blog I committed to a minimum of 500 words 5 days per week. Those are serious goals/commitments that I actively pursue. Even being a working artist requires that I set goals regarding how many paintings I want to make before next season. Then I have to get to the easel and paint. The concept of wishing, for me, is more about intention. I believe we create our own reality based on how we approach our lives, determined by the “energy” we put out into the universe. Buddha said, “As we think, so we become”. I believe that absolutely. So 14 years ago I wrote about trust and joy on a level I didn’t yet understand and, while I could also make it a goal to work toward those things, what I was meaning in this post is more along the lines of that energetic intention. Does that make any sense?
I just thought of a great quote that I think says what I was trying to say better. It’s Rilke: “I beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…”
I cant believe I didn’t respond to this blog…but some days I must have been distracted by life here in my world:)
Mostly I love to see the spring time babies playing in the field and the picnic near the bell…those are the beautiful pictures of what love and life is that I want to focus on today:)
XOXOX
Grace
Those babies were my neighbors for at least 5 months, through the spring, summer and into the fall. There were 3 mamas and 3 babies–all the same color. I took the photo off my living room deck. Some days they galloped the whole length of the pasture and then collapsed and slept it off. Actually there’s a post with more pictures under Southwest Living, on the 5th page titled, My Neighbors. That picnic was the night Bill Loyd installed my new bell–a beautiful night! Glad they’re life affirming for yo! Many blessings!
Well isn’t that special.!! That was so easy and to ‘see’ the shield, Ya wanna know what I drew? A !!BIG cowboy hat that you can’t even see the head, on the person from the back, just back, kinda shoulders…Ha Ha Told be alot, And I know I’m creative,just didn’t see it in all the other avenues. Want to paint, draw, make something…interesting, want to do work with you for sure. Thanks a bunch of ….Roses…
Marlene Engleman
So glad you are finding and expressing your creativity, Marlene. It’s a wonderful journey. Lovely to have you on the path.