Abject terror, rigid doubts that would not let go, intense pressure to perform. Fear, almost immobilizing fear. These were my emotions today as I started to paint again after roughly two months of not painting. Life really can rise up and take us away from our art, no matter how much desire we may have to be making it. Sometimes the most gentle thing we can do for ourselves is to surrender, finish up (as much as is possible) what life is throwing at us, and then begin again. This is where I was today.
And even though I’d decided this was my day to paint, even though I’d placed huge boundaries around the sanctity of that, I had to fight for my time. Numerous requests and demands hit me first thing in the morning—the kinds of things I can’t usually say, “No” to. But today I did say no. I honored the time I had worked hard to set aside, the whole while fearing that I wouldn’t get another day like this any time soon. I really must take a long hard look at my life and its priorities, you think?
But here I am at the easel doing what I council every one of you to do: I’m beginning. I have no vision of what is coming. So I will open to the process, to the universe. I will trust. I will begin, unquestioningly.
And this is comforting—these marks I see my hand making, this connection to the canvas. These bring some peace, some grounding. In fact I forget myself entirely. The angst dissipates into a deep recognition of this ancient process—a process man has been following since the beginning of time when he made marks on cave walls.
Process not product—for me, not for a market.
I begin—a leap into darkness—a birthday gift this day. Just follow the impulses, my heart tells me. Those are the messages, the signs, the guides. And I did listen with an abiding faith. Although I had no idea where the canvas was going, I trusted, pure and simple: put white over here, some umber there, water on top of pencil; what isn’t working for my eye? Work those areas until I see nothing else to change…
And after an intense and long day of painting, this piece has been birthed in concert with the universe. The most important thing I did all day was to get out of the way and let the birthing happen. And I am happy with the result—the continuation of the canyon series.
Thank you, Spirit, for a blessed day of creating. I am deeply grateful.
Love to you all,
Jeane
This article was useful when looking for:
- how to start painting again (26)
Bravo Jeane:)
Who better to quote:
“Work helps us to feel safe. The soul IS safe already. Safe in its own experience of the world. Work is bounded by time. The soul of a person lies outside of time and belongs to the unknown, it is the sacred otherness of existence. Work belongs to the personality, but the soul is owned by no one, not even by the personality formed around it. The personality will, we are continually amazed, kiss any required part of the anatomy to rise in the world; the soul refuses to kiss anything but life itself, and then as Blake says only as it FLIES.”
From – The Heart Aroused, David Whyte. (read this part into the wee hours of the night, last.)
Ah, I didn’t realize this was a David Whyte quote in your FB entry. I thought YOU had come up with the wonderful statement that, “… the soul refuses to kiss anything but life itself.” BEAUTIFUL statement!
When we allow ourselves connection to soul, to the messages “we” are trying to get through to ourselves, we do touch life in such a deep and profound way. It is always magical when we can do that. It’s the only place genuine art can spring from, I think.
Beautiful…thank you for this…I much needed nudge!
Thank you, Maureen. So glad I could help with a digital nudge!
Thanks Ginny. Yes, I know that we are all in that place at one time or another–more often than not sometimes. So happy you connected with this piece. Thanks for letting me know.
I’ve loved what I’ve seen of your work of late.
a classic sharing of a most important fact, inside us there is a powerful part just waiting to create your life fearlessly, we just have to open the door….I presonally tru to prop it open with a big rock!
Thanks so muc for painting this in words and on canvas.
I LOVE the idea of propping myself open with a big rock! Perfectly put. I’m painting again today and I will remember your wise words. Many blessings to you.
I’m in the same boat, only I’ve been unable to paint for about a year now. I feel very pressured when I paint, and often can only paint for a few minutes at a time. I guess I have to work through that now.
Making art is hard. It asks a lot of us. You probably haven’t been reading the blog since its beginning when I told my story. I didn’t paint for 27 years! But the length of time really doesn’t matter. For me it’s as hard to approach a canvas every new day. But if indeed painting is what you’re meant to do, your inner being will guide you to it. Yes, please do work through it. I can tell you from my own experience that it is worth it.
No – I just found your blog… thank you for posting!!!
It’s true isn’t it… I’ve always called myself ‘an artist’… whether or not I painted. I do believe it’s what I’m meant to do. The harder part is turning off the internal critic. But I will continue to try. Thank you!!!
Ah that internal critic! My Buddhist teacher taught me to invite her to the party whenever I started to paint so she wouldn’t feel excluded and make more noise just to be recognized. But then tell her she has to behave if she’s going to attend. It worked some for me. Just know we all have that within us and each of us must find our own way of dealing with it. Good luck with your newly beginning journey.
Haha – that’s good!! Mine’s loud and very whiney… and sounds an awful lot like my mum, or any number of others who wanted things from me. I might try and log the thoughts, just to see what bubbles up.
Thank you very much… I like your ideas a lot… Keep creating and writing please!!! 😀