The next number of posts, all titled Conversations on… come from email communications between a dear friend and me. With her permission, I am publishing excerpts from them because I feel they pertain to everything we’ve been discussing on the blog. Kate has been in the process of trying to figure out how to be a writer and still maintain her teaching job. She has very recently decided she must leave her job and fully embrace a “writing life.” At her request I’ve changed her name and am using initials for people she brings up. Those of you who have not read any of the earlier Conversation pieces, may want to go back to have a better understanding of Kate’s progress. You’ll find her story under the topic category, “Kate’s Story.” It’d be great if you all would join our conversation…
I’ve given up on doing and feeling pressed to DO, and have spent the entire day on the couch with my leg up. It looks like gangrene and feels terrible. But I think the antibiotics may be finally starting to do something. Your warning about the message in all this to stop working and fighting and WILLing and DOing is proving prescient, as yesterday my vocal cord started feeling torn up, as it did a month ago, and then my neck and shoulder froze up this morning. It’s hard to know whether these new “red flags” are related to the Lyme (which can affect the nervous system, muscles, and joints) or whether it is just my body screaming at me to listen—or both. Okay. I am listening and being still. Very still.
All the losses you listed bring the magnitude home. You are so magnificently sweet in your way of reflecting all this back to me in a way that helps me SEE more clearly how I need to change with the changes. I just cried when I read that part of your message.
Now I am going to tell you something good, something that will hopefully make your day. In all this lying around today and yesterday I began reading the book written by the author I “accidentally” heard in an interview on the radio a few weeks ago when all that amazing synchronicity happened. And there were even more uncanny similarities to what I’ve been thinking about. The connections just continue to flow out of the book as I read on. So it looks like this illness forcing me to be laid up on the couch for several days has a pretty significant silver lining. I hope that makes you smile.
There are gifts to be received in all this mess after all.
CONGRATULATIONS on spending the whole day on the couch! But that is scary news about your vocal cord and your neck and shoulder. I can’t help but feel it’s a very strong message to you—even if it is a direct result of the Lyme—because that was a message to you, too. I am grateful you are listening and being still, in body and mind. THANK YOU!
Yes, your system does still need very special care. Perhaps one of the reasons you were aware of the Lyme Disease so early, though, was because of this same physical vulnerability. So this could be the proverbial blessing and curse. Again, looking back, I went through the same kinds of shock you describe, over and over, when I thought I was stronger than I was, only to fall flat on my rear again. You lost your voice. You faced surgery. Doctors were telling you you may never speak again. Your acupuncturist told you your Chi was dead. You were as sick as you could be without actually dying. Every system within you needs time and tenderness, not will, to heal. Lots of time. Lucky for you, writing will be a significant part of your healing journey, as painting was part of mine. Writing will support your healing like almost nothing else, except rest.
I AM THRILLED with all the synchronicities you describe! I think it is a very pointed message from the Universe saying, “See, this is what I’ve wanted you to do and there is REWARD when you finally listen.” Not only do we receive difficult messages and warnings and tests, we also receive congratulatory, supportive messages when we “get it”. Yes, the illness has a silver lining. But what I want you to work on, now, is listening and taking care of yourself BEFORE the Universe has to take you to your knees! You and I are TOO alike! 🙂
I’m so glad you can already see the gifts!
My leg is finally showing signs of healing. The infection is definitely clearing up from the antibiotics now. My throat still hurts, which is a big concern, and my voice has gotten weaker, but it’s still there. I’ll just try to take it easy as much as I can this week, though I can’t relieve the agony of the situation with Miles.
I have to go in to clean out my office on Friday and have my final meeting with my boss, too, and that is going to add some stress, though I am determined to keep only minimally engaged with that, just enough to clean up and clear out (another easier-said-than-done task). I can’t let this pull me down further, and the only option is to remain only minimally involved with the remaining tasks and interactions, use my head rather than my heart, and get out of Dodge without punishing myself for doing it in a quick and dirty way (obviously not my style).
I am so relieved that the infection in your leg shows signs of healing. I think your throat is your version of the canary in the mine. It’s going to keep you honest and on your toes. I don’t believe grieving your situation with Miles will make you less well. In some ways it may help your throat if you are able to express your real emotions. Just don’t DO anything you don’t have to do this week. Take it easy. Sleep. Nap. Lie on the couch. Read if you have the energy. Don’t if you don’t. You and Miles are all you need to consider.
The impending appointment with your boss, and the cleaning out of your office, may be a big part of the reason your throat is sore. Please be very, very gentle with yourself, loving and kind. This is necessary and I believe you will begin to feel much better once you’ve completed what you have to do there. Know I’ll be with you on Friday, and every single day this week.
To be continued…
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Love to you all,