The next number of posts, all titled Conversations On… come from email communications between a dear friend and me. With her permission, I am publishing excerpts from them because I feel they pertain to everything we’ve been discussing on the blog. Kate is in the process of trying to figure out how to be a writer and still maintain her teaching job. At her request I’ve changed her name and am using initials for people she brings up. It’d be great if you all would join our conversation…
A couple of days ago MF suggested that I pay a visit to an amazingly talented therapist that we have worked with in the past. I can’t even begin to tell you what a brilliant psychologist he is and also a wonderful writer. He very recently published a book on group meditation. When I’ve seen him before he and I always ended up talking about literature, and for a while he gave me “assignments” to memorize poetry to recite at subsequent appointments because he knew I needed to stay connected to poetry to keep my soul alive.
I went to see him yesterday, and we began working on my issues, the decision that I am struggling with, and why it’s so difficult for me. He is strongly encouraging me to leave my job as soon as I can possibly do it and feel okay about it. He says I’ve “already died enough” and that I don’t need to hemorrhage like you did to make the right decision. All this is exactly what you and I have been talking about lately. Thanks to these conversations, I know what the truth is and what must happen.
MF and I talked for two hours this morning, and his insight is also very important. He understands that I need to manage how I leave the job so that I can exit in a way that I can feel good about and live with. He knows that it would destroy me to have more regret hanging over me for the rest of my life. He also (so brilliantly) noted that my writing life needs to be about a writing life and not about one particular project, as the reason for leaving my teaching life. He’s so right.
The more I think about this the more emboldened and empowered I feel to do the hard and painful thing that will ultimately allow me to live and devote my life to the work that really matters to me.
I am going to move forward, continuing to talk with the therapist (ML). I resolve to hang in there as long as it takes to plan how and when to take the necessary steps to move my life into the place it needs to be, whether it is a year from now or another time frame. I understand and accept it would be the biggest mistake not to do so.
Meanwhile, my depth of inspiration about our project just keeps on growing, and my impatience to immerse myself wholly in it also grows daily. I am afraid of losing that fire in the waiting. So I will continue to chip away at little pieces to try to stave off a loss of realistic momentum, and hold onto the inspiration over the time it takes to clear the way.
I am grateful you have ML and MF. ML sounds like the exact right professional to offer you guidance and support. The universe really does provide us with the tools we need if we listen, and you’re listening.
Then, dear MF. What a tremendous and perfect life partner! He is so right that if you are leaving your current profession, it must be to pursue a writing life, not one project. And that you must do it in ways your psychy can tolerate.
I am thrilled you’re feeling more emboldened and empowered. Deaths are painful and you are facing the death of significant old ways of being. But the new can’t be born before the old dies. As you know, life often is pain. But I’ve gone through these deaths that you are facing and I can promise you that what is fighting to be born is worth all the pain you have to go through to birth it.
The inspiration you’re feeling about our project is your catalyst–the universe’s way of giving you a driving force to encourage you through the letting go–the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. You WILL NOT LOSE THE FIRE. I promise. Don’t put any energy to that concern. Just keep writing the pieces as you can. They will sustain you. The momentum will continue. I believe the universe put us together to help each of us with some major transitions. It won’t let our inspiration/momentum die.
I am honored to be sharing this transitional time with you. You are sustaining me more than you know. Together, let us discover the new.
To be continued…
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